How many of us women get into a relationship with a man and then try and change him to be who we want him to be?

Arghhh.. I feel myself cringing as I write that. And yes, my hand is raised, I have done that!

Why do we do that?

Part of our nature as women is to mother (whether we give birth physically or not, that is still part of our innate nature). We have a natural instinct for recognising “potential” in children and holding space for that potential to grow, which often requires some encouragement along the way.

That is an essential quality to bring as a mother to her child, and can be very powerful as a facilitator to a client, or as teacher to students.

However, what happens when we bring that quality to the men in our lives?

It disempowers men. His strength and capacity will be eroded away, along with his masculine capacity to hold us when we most need and want it.

It is the equivalent of saying to him, “you are not good enough as you are.” If you change your style of clothes, if you change your job, if you change your friends, if you change where you live - then you will be right for me.

Of course, the messages can be more subtle than those I have outlined above, but it boils down to a similar message. And the truth is men know. It is a part of the reason so many men avoid relationships.

When a woman treats a man like a project many men will try and please her, will try to change, will try to win her love. For a certain period of time.

There is great value for men in specific and certain kinds of feedback from a woman, he wants to grow in a way that serves both you, him and the family you are creating.

However, at some point, he will go “nothing I do makes her happy.” Have you ever heard a man say that? Can you notice the pain in his voice when he says it?

Let’s come back to ourselves and enquire, what sits underneath the desire to change him?

Often a woman’s own self-critical nature is lurking beneath the surface of what seems like a natural request. Unfortunately this self-critical nature often knows no limits, but whilst someone is trying to please her, it will keep that energy alive.

So how do we move on from these self destructive habits? How do we change the tide of a lifetime of destroying the love and relationships we long to receive?

The only true antidote for a woman is to “fall into the feminine energy” that longs to move through her, to be her.

When a woman brings all that outward focused energy back to herself, something changes in the body. The energy driving her to criticise him is the part of herself that doesn’t feel good enough. Expressing criticism gives some relief to the internal experience of pain, but sadly it doesn’t last.

That part of you that feels dissatisfied is intuition, it’s a pointer, directing your attention to the fact that you will never be fully satisfied whilst your focus is on the external world.

The only way to satisfy that part of you is to connect with your inner world. Here you WILL find the love, the sexuality, the sensuality, the vast expanse of longing that you’ve always known exists and is part of the true feminine nature.

Criticism in relationships is disempowering. A man will never make sustainable and lasting change in the face of your criticism. Criticism can at times elicit pleasing behaviour, but over time it leads to burning resentment in his body.

This resentment fuels stories and beliefs that men carry such as:

“What’s the point of a relationship?”

”Why would I want to be with a woman who constantly puts me down, then wants me to be different and is still unhappy when I do the stuff she wants?”

Intimacy dies at the altar of resentment. 

Conversely, loving a man, trusting him and accepting him exactly as he is will be the very thing that inspires him to be a better version of himself! His body and nervous system processes this as being loved, and inspires the part of him that longs to receive more of that.

His mission becomes loving you!

When we cultivate the ability to fall into our feminine nature, the world around us changes.

When a woman is centered in her own being, she becomes magnetically powerful and receptive. She naturally draws into her space the love, commitment and qualities that she most desires in her relationship.

Resting into our own love evokes more love from the world around us.

Falling into the feminine is about prioritising your internal experience of love. Learning to dance with feeling and receptivity, coming to a new understanding of the magnitude of feminine power.

I have seen many men transform when they feel loved and accepted by their partner. When they feel loved for who they truly are, they feel inspired to be a better version of themselves.

My advice to women who are dating is if you look at him and feel you could still be enjoying his company in 5 years time, then he could be the man for you. If you look at him and you are assessing all the things that would need to change in him, then keep on dating.

It’s not about finding someone who is perfect - it’s about being with someone who you can accept and live with their gifts and their flaws. We all have both, accepting that is part of being in love with our humanity.

Rod Gordon has guided me towards the place of openhearted loving receptivity and vulnerability that has been described in this blog.

Which is why, we have developed the upcoming Women’s Coaching Container - Loving Him - being facilitated by Rod.

It’s a beautiful opportunity to be held in a coaching context by a man who has committed his life to understanding more fully what creates the deepest intimacy possible between men and women. Rod brings profound wisdom in his perspective as a man who lives and breathes this work, as well as his depth and capacity for feeling a woman’s heart and offering the practical insights and communication that will make a difference.

The coaching container commences on the 26th June, 10am to 12noon. It consists of 8 x 2 hour sessions, to be held every second Saturday.


To learn more about the coaching container or to book your space, email us today: connections@martinahughes.com (Only 3 spaces remaining)